This lie is not about a family of mice living in the hollowed out bottom of a crucifixion statue in front of the First Congregational Church of the Slaughter of Our Lord Jesus Christ, where Mrs. Wooding ended her life. A family of mice that was killed when Edward Clark Place lost consciousness and ran off the road, crashing Christ and his freeloading rodent clan into a crowd of frantic churchgoers that had come rushing out from the gun wielding maniac, Mrs. Wooding, inside. Nor is this lie about Charles and Nancy Wooding, children of Mrs. Wooding, who watched their mother stand up in front of the congregation, recite the ten commandments to everyones bewilderment, then pull out a snub nose .38 special from her purse and end her life.
This lie is about Amy Hesse, the driver of a Dodge Caravan that had to wait two hours to get by the accident on her way to Minneapolis to attend its university, as a conservative arts major. Amy had traveled back to her hometown of Manawa to visit her parents in order to tell them that she was a lesbian, which caused her parents to go into a hissy fit and demand she take her words back. Disheartened by her usually understanding parents, Amy stormed out of the house and immediately headed back to Minneapolis. Unfortunately, she got stuck behind the accident on her way to Hwy 23, giving her time to curse her homophobic parent’s names many times over.
Upon arriving in Minneapolis she headed straight for Dinky Town, the area near the campus that was home to the hip and trendy cultural center of the otherwise conservative city. She stopped into the Purple Onion, a famous coffee house, which in its heyday was home to many folk acts, including Robert Zimmerman when he was just starting out: a little nugget of trivia that Scott Rimes never failed to repeat wherever he went.
Scott also had a spraying lisp that misted many an impatient listener as he pontificated about seemingly unconnected pop culture tangents of pop culture. His favorite topic to gleek at people was Beatles history and its effects on contemporary pop music, saying, “The Beatles transcended all levels of standard musical ideologies, breaking away from melody and rhythm at times yet never losing the pure essence of what their message was, that being L-O-V-E.” This very obvious and wet statement once caused Scott to get his ass kicked by Dan Pancowitz on the corner of Washington and 15th, right outside the Purple Onion.
Dan Pancowitz was waiting for the bus when Scott walked out of the Purple Onion to have a cigarette. Thinking, mistakenly, that Dan looked friendly Scott decided to let loose the garden hose on him. Dan, actually a very unfriendly, impatient man, immediately began punching Scott in the face—once while Scott was standing and several times as he hovered over Scott, who by this time was far from consciousness. Amy Hesse, the lesbian from Manawa who one year later became a Campus Security officer only to orchestrate Dan Pancowitz expulsion from the University by planting drugs on him during a dorm raid, stepped in to stop Dan’s merciless pummeling of Scott.
Nick Lantree, Amy’s Campus Security patrol partner at the time of the Janson Hall raid, was a bit of a pointdexter, and after the arrest of Dan Pancowitz, he suspected Amy of foul play. He secretly filed with the Office of Internal Student Affairs for an inquiry into Amy’s conduct and requested a different partner. Both were granted, and Jennifer Bosen became Nick’s new partner on the beat. The investigation of Amy Hesse turned up no foul play, however, it was conducted by several of Amy’s good friends, including Jennifer Bosen. Jennifer quickly requested Nick’s dismissal from Campus Security on the grounds of sexual harassment and with the help of her co-conspirators was eventually able to kick Nick out of school.